The White HouseOffice of Shameless Fearmongering _______________________________________________
For Immediate Release
Whatever Day We Say It Is
Statement by President Obama on New Executive Actions to Not Really Reduce “Gun Violence” and Make No Community Safer
My fellow Americans:
Last year, 12,421,517 Americans were killed by guns. More than 75 percent of them were adorable little babies with puppies and rainbows. Forty-eight percent were plucky single mothers who work 13 different jobs nine days a week in order to provide for their 11 kids. The other 64 percent were cops. Since I’m pushing gun control, I’m going to mention the latter group, even though my Black Lives Matter friends say all those pigs are racist demons.
My good friend Bill Ayers once showed me a picture of him holding an AK-forty-something back when he was a homicidal terrorist. It had things sticking out of it like “bayonet legs” and “banana clip-ons” and “flush-hiders.” I don’t actually know what those are, but they certainly don’t sound like the kind of stuff Beyonce would like — maybe Jay-Z, though. But if we ban them, then there won’t be any crime anymore!
Some of the guys from whom my old “Choom Gang” occasionally “resupplied” carried guns. And the dudes I visited when I needed a quick bump of the ol’ Bogota Booger Blaster were some serious-looking cats with some serious-looking hardware. If it weren’t for their guns, they would still have been intimidating as hell. But “snitches get stitches,” so I’m gonna blame the guns. I wouldn’t want my old drug dealers deciding to look me up. But if they should try, I’m surrounded by guns 24/7 — just like Hillary Clinton.
Thanks to big, gaping loopholes, it’s too easy to get a gun; 93.4% of all guns used in gun crimes were purchased through loopholes. If an American child can’t open a bottle of aspirin, then there’s no way he should be allowed to go online and buy an auto-fire-o-matic AR-19 that fires 75,000 rounds per nanosecond through its “tactical muzzle breaker” without having to at least get permission from his mommy. And did you know that a convicted serial killer can escape from prison and pick up a free machine gun at the nearest gun show (186 percent of all gun crime is caused by gun shows)? Besides, that many white people in one place is already a bad scene; adding guns to the mix just makes it more likely that no one will be raped, robbed or assaulted.
Guns have a magical power that turns ordinary, law-abiding Americans into fire-breathing, gun-toting lunatics. What else could possibly explain that the overwhelming majority of gun crimes happen in such otherwise peaceful utopias like East St. Louis, Detroit and my hometown of Chicago? Of the 30 most violent cities in America, 29 are run by Democrats. Obviously, it must be guns causing all that ugliness and not, say, decades of failed entitlement programs and nanny state-induced malingering. Even as my press flacks are uploading this into the teleprompter, guns are secretly meeting in their evil lair, planning the next caper for which either Muslims, gang members, suicides or lunatics will be so unfairly blamed — unless the incidents happen outside the United States and/or involve Muslim attackers, in which case that’s totally climate change.
I recently talked with my buddy, and your vice president, Joe Biden; and he gave me some advice. Joe said: “Mr. President, if someone messes with you, just fire a shotgun off the porch.” I’m not really sure all of Joe’s dogs are barking. And that just serves to remind me: Some people shouldn’t have guns — like Joe, for instance. And a lot of those people are spooky white guys — like Joe, for instance.
Exactly 106.3 percent of Americans support stronger gun control measures. And all of my millionaire and billionaire pals in Hollywood and on the Upper East Side of Manhattan say they want something called “common-sense” reform. I think that means, “Nobody should have guns except for their own security details, their kids’ security details, their main house security force, their drivers, their pilots, their vacation home advance teams and their co-stars in the next ‘Jason Bourne’ movie.” And I want my friends to know they’re safe. I mean, some of them are famous and everything!
But every time I ask them to help me help you, stupid Congress brings up the “2nd Amendment” rule. I reread my copy of “Rules for Radicals” and couldn’t find it anywhere. Those guys are total jerks. I mean, what is this “Constitution” thing, anyway? They act like it’s a big deal, like “Das Kapital” or the Quran.
And then there are those NRA people. Everyone knows that the NRA is a front for the KKK. Just because none of the crimes I’m pretending to care about today was committed by an NRA member doesn’t mean the NRA isn’t to blame. And so what if NRA members are the only people who actually sponsor and teach real firearms safety, as opposed to spreading ignorance and fear? Most of them aren’t even Democrats, unlike the people who actually commit most gun crimes.
As I sit here now, surrounded by the families of victims of nightmares like the one in Newtown, Connecticut, or San Bernardino, California, I can’t help but think what a great idea it was to put an onion in my pocket; these tears are gonna kill with the focus groups! And I’m proud to announce a series of executive orders, which I constitutionally can’t issue, which violate the separation of powers, which violate privacy and due process, and which would have done precisely nothing to prevent the incidents I’m shamelessly exploiting. That’s right, kids: zip, zero, zilch, nada, bupkis. Heck, both the Newtown and San Bernardino attacks took place in states with even stricter gun laws than anything I’m proposing. The Charleston, South Carolina, attack happened because the people I want in charge of everything failed to do anything. But now we’ll have a couple hundred more federal goons pawing through your private medical files, and it’ll be harder for parents to bequeath hunting rifles to their kids.
You’re welcome. Oh, and Michelle says: “Thanks for the clothes.”
is a 1993 graduate of Davidson College and has burned the better part of the last two decades getting over the damage done by modern-day higher education. He now lives in Savannah, Ga., where he has hosted an award-winning radio talk show and been featured as a political analyst for television. Currently a principal at Saltymoss Productions—a media company specializing in concept television and campaign production, speechwriting and media strategy—Ben has written numerous articles on the subjects of municipal authoritarianism, the economic fallacy of sin taxes and analyses of congressional abuses of power.